


As Loud As My Heart

by nagi_schwarz



Series: Prompt Fills 2018 [6]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-07
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-28 03:00:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13894827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nagi_schwarz/pseuds/nagi_schwarz
Summary: Written for the love/hate comment_fic prompt: "Stargate Atlantis, John Sheppard/Rodney McKay, John hates how vulnerable loving Rodney makes him feel."





	As Loud As My Heart

Loving Rodney McKay was the most dangerous thing in the universe. John Sheppard was an airman, an officer, was trained to care deeply about the men and women he would one day lead and command, learned that though he had to be ready to spend their lives, he had to treasure each and every one of those lives.

John carried that training with him, but it never sat right with him. The first time he had to make that choice, to pay that price, he paid it in two of his best friends, Mitch and Dex. They weren’t the pilots he was. They weren’t carrying the key personnel he was. Sending them in advance was the right tactical decision in the short term and the right strategic decision in the long term. John had risen from company-grade to field-grade, and as a result the wreckage of his two best friends - and their choppers - was all over the battlefields of Kandahar.

The second time he was faced with that choice, himself or Captain Lyle Holland, it was easier to make the choice to treasure a comrade’s life instead of spend it.

But he gambled, and he lost, and Holland died, and he was sent to Antarctica to finish his career in a literal freeze-out.

And then he met Rodney McKay, who was all fast talking and waving hands and dramatic tones and endless enthusiasm for science, for discovery. He didn’t care what John had done, he just cared who John was - an incredibly strong gene-carrier, someone who could sit still long enough to try to initiate Ancient tech, and someone who at least half-understood what he was talking about most of the time.

When he learned that Rodney was headed on a possible one-way trip to another galaxy, the choice to go with him on that one-way trip was too easy.

Even though that galaxy was populated with space vampires, life-threatening Ancient experiments gone wrong, nuclear war, and endless other dangerous possibilities, the choice was worth it, because Rodney needed protecting, and John was the best choice to protect him.

Somewhere along the way, during the late nights in the lab at White Rock, and then late nights in the labs at the SGC, and then long days in the labs on Atlantis, John fell in love with Rodney, with his bravery and his passion and the way he endlessly gave things his all.

And he hated it, because he loved Rodney so much that everything flew out the window for him - missions, protocols, common sense.

When they went through the gate on what they thought was an uninhabited planet and fell into the clutches of the native population, John was calm, collected, making eye contact with Ford and Teyla, making plans for one of them to get away, to get back to the gate and dial Atlantis for backup.

Rodney was running at the mouth, in turns insisting they were peaceful explorers and also insulting their captors’ stupidity.

The leader backhanded him viciously. 

Rodney lifted his head, blood dripping from the corner of his mouth. “Is that all you’ve got? My mother hits harder than that.”

“Rodney, dammit, stop!” John hissed.

The leader looked at John, looked at Rodney, and he knew. Knew how John felt about Rodney, knew what Rodney did to him.

A cruel smiled curved the man’s mouth, and he said to the two men holding Rodney, “I’ll take this one. He has a pleasing mouth. Deal with the rest later.”

John saw red. He didn’t know what happened next.

When he came to himself, he was in the infirmary in Atlantis. Teyla and Ford were sitting on the cots on either side of him, had had some scrapes and bruises cleaned and bandaged.

John’s left arm was in a sling.

Rodney stood beside him, staring at him, expression pale and drawn.

“John?”

He blinked muzzily. “What happened?”

“We made it home safe.”

“We did?”

“You were badass, sir,” Ford said, tone admiring.

Carson bustled into the room. “Ford, you’re clear, leave Major Sheppard be. Teyla, you’re also free to go as well.”

“Recover soon, John,” she said before she ushered Ford pointedly to the door.

Rodney remained beside John’s bed. “You - I’ve always known you were a soldier. I just - I’ve never seen -”

John bit his lip, turned away, shrugged. “Training. They train us so we don’t have to think in an emergency, just rely on our training.” Then he glanced back at Rodney. “Also, the technical term is Airman.”

“You saved me,” Rodney said finally.

“Couldn’t let him hurt you,” John said. What he meant was,  _ I love you. _

And he didn’t dare let anyone ever see that on his face again, because Rodney was the gaping hole in his armor, the split in his shield, the nerve that ran straight to his core, his primary vein. One small cut and he was bleeding out.

“Thank you -”

John shook his head. “Don’t thank me for killing people. Ever.”

“Thank you for saving me.”

John nodded tightly. “You’re on my team. Couldn’t let them hurt you.”

“I didn’t want them to hurt you either,” Rodney said. He stepped closer, paused, cast a hunted look over his shoulder.

John frowned. “What’s wrong?”

Rodney darted in, kissed him once, and then hurried away.

John watched him go, a hand pressed to his mouth, either to brush the kiss away or save it, and knew that Rodney McKay was going to be the death of him, and he’d pay that price gladly.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the lyrics to The Scientist by Coldplay: _Questions of science / science and progress / do not speak as loud as my heart_


End file.
